Freshman feces unneeded

freshmen, Issue 24, Leandro Fefer, leo, opinions, Opinion - By Leandro Fefer on Thursday, April 5, 2012 - 23:42

Dear unconscientious defecator,

The one who left an enormous, odious mound of excrement in the toilet without flushing. The one who found it necessary to discard their soiled toilet paper on the floor instead of the toilet bowl. I have a few questions.

First of all, where do you think you get off? Was this funny to you? Who do you think cleans up after you? Did they deserve this? What has your community done to you that merit such inconsideration? How would you feel if someone did this in your home?

Once again I have been astonished by the sheer idiocy that I find in my freshmen dorm. I am astonished because I know my neighbors and none of them seem this ridiculously immature. There must be some underlying issue that I don’t understand. If someone would like to make the problem clear to me, I would love to be filled in. Is there a war against the cleaning staff? Have they done something horrible? What’s the deal?

As I am ignorant of any misdeeds by the cleaning staff, it appears to me that this act of fecal terrorism is completely unjust and unwarranted. Unfortunately I doubt that the type of person who is so self-absorbed as to irresponsibly desecrate the bathroom is the type of person who reads the newspaper. Someone who cares only about their own fun and completely disregards the lives of others in the process, probably doesn’t care much for the news or other people’s opinions.

Therefore I ask my readers to keep an ear out for someone who may be bragging about acts of unsanitary debauchery. If anyone comes across the culprit, please show them my questions. Then maybe suggest that they meet Margarita, who regularly cleans the first floor Stauffer men’s restroom. Margarita is a real person; she has kids and a home of her own. And I don’t think she finds it very funny when she has to pick up a pile of dirty toilet paper from the floor.

There are many Freudian theories about people who play with their own feces, and many times feces play is the first sign of insanity. So, to the unconscientious defecator, if your pooping has been a desperate cry for attention, you now have it. But you didn’t need to do it like this. Whittier College has a safe and confidential Counseling Center that will be happy to help you get through whatever it is that is fueling your inner turmoil.