Top Ten: Awesome Mullets

Drue Grahman, Issue 20, Entertainment - By on Thursday, March 3, 2011 - 03:51

The mullet has had a long history. It has always been a way for one person to ask to another, “Hey would you like to watch NASCAR with me?” This top 10 takes a minute to analyze those proud enough to maintain this haircut and takes a stab at what motivates these people.

1. Captain Planet
“By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet.” This blue superhero is known for many things, including his powers to manipulate the weather and his constant struggle of informing the audience the powers of recycling. These are all good but this top 10 is recognizing him for his hairdo. His green mullet is among the best fictional character or otherwise. With hair like that, who would not be inspired to recycle?

2. Jaromir Jagr
Hockey players and mullets are like peanut butter and jelly or Triscuits and bean dip. Jagr has been playing in the NHL since 1988. So when we commend a hockey player for a mullet, we really mean it. Jagr’s mullet brings a tear to my eye.

3. Randy Johnson
There are many things you could say about this 300 game winning, four-time Cy Young winner. He has been called the ugliest player in our generation of baseball. He has killed a bird (accidentally for all you environmentalists) with his fastball. There is much to say about “the unit” but this article takes notice of the unit on his head. His mullet was great and he had the greasy mustache to match.

4. Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris’ mullet is the source of all intelligibility. It in itself is not intelligible but is the reason we have understanding of anything. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight and the knife lost, so do not try to mess with the mullet.

5. David Bowie
This leader of glam rock had many unique features to his appearance. His eyes were different colors and one was constantly dilated. His androgynous, glitter-filled wardrobe may have made some people feel a little uncomfortable. With all these things, it is easy to lose sight of David Bowie’s head of incredible hair that solidified his greatness in history. One of the originals.

6. Patrick Swayze
This now recently deceased movie star had the mullet that defined the 1980s. The TV show that accentuated the mullet the most was a 1985 miniseries North and South. The show had something to do with the civil war but all plot lines fall short of Patrick Swayze’s mullet amazingness.

7. Joe Dirt
This fictional character played by David Spade embodied the image and the mindset of the mullet, which is an art in itself. Although it is just David Spade acting as Joe Dirt, we still have to give him props for playing a stereotype.

8. The 1997 Athletics Starting Lineup
There was something in the water of the 1997 Oakland Athletics starting lineup. This was a year before “Big Mac” was on the Cardinals, the first year Jason Giambi got the starting job and who can forget their infamous DH Jose Canseco. The A’s taught the world a valuable lesson that year, sometimes mullets and steroids go hand in hand.

9. Dog the Bounty Hunter
Vigilantism, leather vests, reality shows, meth addiction and mullet. Dog the Bounty Hunter is more American than apple pie and his mullet is his business card. His face is the epitome of what the rest of the world thinks the Midwest is like and we must thank him for giving that to us.

10. Troy Tulowitzki
This shortstop is beloved by Coloradans for his baseball skill and for his charity work alike. Tulo is actively growing a mullet for locks of love and is going to donate it when it becomes long enough. I recommend that he does not because my own personal research has proved that his slugging percentage is directly correlated with the length of his mullet.