Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Bananas

Grace Battista's picture

Grace Battista, Entertainment - By Grace Battista on Thursday, April 12, 2012 - 02:24

1. They’re gross
I hate how bananas taste. It’s actually kind of weird because I love banana bread and banana Laffy Taffy and Chunky Monkey ice cream, but I think actual bananas taste horrible. Let’s look at the other animals that eat them: monkeys. What do monkeys do? Why, they fling poo of course! Why would anyone ever think that a fruit that is eaten by poo-flingers is tasty when not in the bread, taffy or ice cream form? My logic is flawless.

2. They are mushy
Bananas are the one exception to my personal rule of all mushy things are good things. For this reason, I hate them. Ice cream, pudding, sweet potatoe casserole, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, boba and chocolate mousse are mushy, but they are delectable. I find most mushy things to be quite tasty, so I assumed that based on their similar textures, bananas would be good too. However, they are not. Their mushiness is off-putting and gummy and I hate it.

3. Babies eat them
Baby food is gross. Babies eat bananas. Therefore bananas are gross.

4. They get brown spots on them
I don’t like it when my food looks like it’s rotting. Ideally, whatever I put in my tummy should not be in a state of decay. I often find bananas in this state, all extra-mushy, fragrant and brown. The brown spot isn’t just on the surface either. It is a permeating imperfection that reaches all the way down to the pale yellow nastiness.

5. I hate banana splits
I used to work at Dairy Queen. Naturally, one of the most-ordered sundaes is the banana split. Banana splits are also one of the most painstaking sundaes to make. You have to carefully slice them lengthwise, then pry them out of their skin without breaking them or else you have to start over, and then you have to position the ice cream balls in between them and the strawberry sauce would always spill over onto my hand.

6. They don’t even have that much potassium
Everyone is always like, “Bananas have so much potassium.” Well guess what? They actually don’t. Furthermore, potatoes have potassium too, and french fries are much tastier.

7. Everyone else likes them so much
All day, every day I find myself surrounded by people eating bananas. At breakfast, they annoyingly cut them up into their cereal, they are the most perfectly nauseating portable snack and you can put them in putrid peanut butter sandwiches that make me want to upchuck my last banana-less meal. Since everyone else likes them so much, when I say I don’t, they always are all surprised or fake angry like people get when you say you don’t like something that is supposedly so great. So, one time, to appease a friend of mine, I took a bite of her banana, chewed it and spit it back out on her plate because there was no way on this hallowed Earth that I could swallow that nasty wad of starchy poo-tasting thing.

8. They’re smelly
Bananas are really fragrant. For one who doesn’t desire them, this is a problem. I don’t like eating them and I don’t like smelling them. However, due to their potency, the latter is something I have learned to deal with. Each day is a struggle when you’re dealing with an intense aversion to bananas.

9. They have a lot of sugar
Bananas are one of the most sugary fruits. A medium banana has 12 grams, which is about half the amount in one chocolate chip cookie. They’re almost unhealthy, that’s how sugary they are.

10. Everyone eats them the wrong way
Bananas across the world are being eaten the wrong way by lowly humans. We shouldn’t even be eating them, and the fact that we can’t even eat them correctly is just more fuel added to a blazing bonfire. You are supposed to hold the stem end and peel the other end so the stem makes a nice little handle. I have never tried this and the only reason I know it is is because my brother showed me in a YouTube video. The bottom line is I hate bananas, and this common misstep in eating them drives me bananas.